My Love Language

THE QUICK AND DIRTY:

In order of points scored:

Quality Time: You like one-on-one conversation and don’t really care what you do as long you are enjoying the company of your friend/family/lover/coworker. This is when you feel the most affection from someone. Playing video games while talking to your girlfriend is not quality time.

Receiving Gifts: You feel extra special when someone gives you something. It shows they were thinking about you. You might have a crazy porcelain angel collection of angels people have given you or won’t throw stuff away that were once gifts. Price doesn’t matter– you’d feel loved if given a glued macaroni art project.

Words of Affirmation: You feel extra good when people compliment you or tell you you’re doing something well. You also really feel loved when people encourage and believe in you, more so than a hug or pat on the back. You’re greeaaaat!

Acts of Service: When people do stuff for you, you feel that they care for you. Maybe your dad always takes your car for its oil changes or that you especially enjoy when someone cooks for you. You feel love in those acts. Not to be confused with slavery.

Physical Touch: You feel loved or well-liked when people hug you or high-five you. You’d be considered a person that loves “touchy-feely” stuff– but only good touch. Beware of bad touch.

THE MEANINGFUL EXPLANATIONS::

Quality Time: You crave togetherness. Being in the same room is not “togetherness”. You want a person’s undivided attention– a true connection with someone. Dialects of the language of Quality Time are Quality Conversation, Quality Listening, and Quality Activities. You can enjoy just one or multiple dialects.

• Quality Conversation consists of focusing on drawing the other person out, listening sympathetically to what they have to say, and asking questions with the genuine desire to understand their thoughts, feelings, and desires (not as a means to an end, like solving their problems). It also consists of you, yourself, verbalizing your thoughts, feelings, and desires.

• Quality Activities means you like to enjoy activites with people to spend time with those people. It’s not the activity that’s important but the quality time. Whether it’s something new or something you love to do all the time, you’ll always remember those times with the people that matter in your life.

To improve proficiency in Quality Conversation: Don’t engage in other activities while you are listening to another person. This is about quality time. Listen for feelings and observe body language. Then confirm their feelings, e.g., “You must be really frustrated since…” It says you’re listening and gives the person to clarify their feelings. Do not interrupt! Research has indicated that the average individual listens for only 17 sec before interrupting and interjecting their own ideas. Ask reflective questions (so there’re no misunderstandings), express understanding (so they know they’ve been heard), and lastly, ask if there is anything you can do to be helpful.

Receiving Gifts: A gift is something given to a person without any strings attached. It’s not gift if flowers are given after a fight to make a girl feel better, unless it is a genuine expression of love. The important thing is not the gift, but the emotional love that is communicated in something physical even if it only lasts a few hours. If Gifts is your primary love language, it doesn’t mean you’re a gold digger or superficial. It just means that you enjoy getting gifts from loved ones and feel their love for you through those things. It could be a video game or a rock from Jamaica that your friend just came back from. It says, “I was thinking of you when I got you this”. You will probably remember all the gifts you’ve gotten from people you care about and hold a lot of emotional value in those things.

To improve proficiency in giving gifts: Learn the person’s interests. It shows that you listen, pay attention, and took the QualityTime to get something thoughtful. Some people collect things, some are interested in artsy things, or try to get them their favorite food or something they need. Choose gifts that are appropiate to your relationship. You’re not going to start dating someone and a week later get them a rolex watch. If you’re not sure, you can always ask if they’d be willing to accept a certain gift from you without any strings attached as an expression of love from you. Money is not the best gift.

Words of Affirmation: Everyone should learn to be proficient in this language of love. Some people are more fluent than others, but who doesn’t like to hear good things about themselves? Some grew up in an environment where positive words were always being said like “I love you”, “Good job”, “I’m proud of you”, or “You look nice today. They are already fluent and these words of affirmation may come easily to them to bestow onto others. Some people grow up in an environment where they never heard words of affirmation or they were rarely heard. The language of “Words of Affirmation” then may be a foreign one that has to be learned. If this is your primary love language, then you feel the best when you hear words of affirmation from people in your life. Dialects: Words of Encouragement (“You’ll do a great job”), Words of Praise (“That’s really great”), Kind Words (instead of “SURRRE, I’ll be glad to do the dishes since you didn’t do them”, try something like “I felt disappointed that you didn’t offer to help me this evening”– a gentle answer)

To Improve Proficiency in Words of Affirmation: Think of things you can say to someone beforehand– write a list if you have to. Think of true statements that affirm their existence. Tell your parents you love them. Tell the janitor that you’d be lost without him or her. Tell your girlfriend that you love her eyes. Tell your friends you appreciate everything they’ve done for you. Practice, practice, practice! People see lack of affirmation as a lack of interest. Don’t just talk about work, the news, or your hobbies. Compliment someone– you’re thinking it anyway.

Acts of Service: Like the language of gifts, it’s the thought and intent behind the acts of service that counts. It is equally the way acts of service are received. Acts of service is NOT slavery. They should not be done out of fear, guilt, or resentment. Love refuses to be manipulated. There is no, “If you loved me you would…” Even though you are fluent in this language, others may not be and may misinterpret your acts of service. You may want to ask him or her, “I really appreciate you having me over for dinner last week. Would you mind if I cleaned your bathroom? Otherwise something you did out of love may be seen as an act of charity or other insult. People who do acts of service for you (like help you with homework or teach you how to play the guitar) may illicit an emotional response from you. You may instantly like them more and maybe even want to do something helpful for them in return.

Physical PhysicalTouch: To you, physical touch speaks louder than words: a hand on the shoulder during a talk, a pat on the back, a high-five as you pass by, or a back massage after a long day. Physical Touch can be appreciated by anyone, but to those fluent in the language of physial touch, it shouts. Withhold touch and you will isolate and rise doubts about your love. Of course, it’s not just any physical touch that communicates love. There’re appropiate/inappropiate and implicit(almost absent-minded, e.g., pat on the back)/explicit (commands your full attention, e.g., foot rub) PhysicalTouches.

To improve proficiency in Physical Touch: If you’re not fluent in this language, it just takes learning one “word” at a time. Know someone whose primary language is Physical Touch? Try giving them a hug next time you see them. Hug your parents. When you’re walking around with your significant other, grab their hand to hold. It may feel awkward to you at first, but you will be more comfortable the next time. In Gary Chapman’s book, The Five Love Languages for Singles, he cites a situation where a woman named Marti was learning the language of Physical Touch. She said of hugging her mother, “The first time I hugged my mother, it was like hugging a pole. Now she is hugging me back.”